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Column: Soft NFL would be even softer if kickoff returns got the boot

Packers kick returner Desmond Howard (81) leaves Patriots defenders behind as he runs a kickoff back 99 yards for a touchdown during third-quarter action in Super Bowl XXXI.
(Rhona Wise / AFP)
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Sez Me …

Cowardly members of the NFL’s Blink Tank are talking about booting the kickoff. The kickoff! 86ed?

If not for the kickoff, what would T.J. Lambert have done with all that accumulated flatulence during the hilarious Super Bowl kickoff in Dan Jenkins’ remarkable “Semi-Tough?”

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I guess the NFL is about to become “Not Even Semi-Tough.”

Vegan football is near. No pigskin. Nothing that had moms and dads. They’ll probably toss around a spaghetti squash.

The NFL Experience, always an exclusive Super Bowl scene for the commoners who can’t afford game tickets, will be a part of this week’s Jerry World draft extravaganza.

The League has found a way to make tanker loads of money off the draft, and not only is Commissioner Roger Goodell and his 32 Scrooges happy about that, but unless some massive lineman bear-hugs Roger into traction, there is no risk of physical injury.

The NFL cares nothing about hurt feelings.

But it won’t be long before football will be like the Experience itself. Soft cones. Cotton candy. No hitting. Foam helmets. Non-contact games.

As friends of the NFL are aware, The League, rightfully running scared from the head injury repercussions, has been doing its best to pillow the blows which lead to lawsuits, and thus, shorter pockets for billionaires.

The lords of the game have passed a rule (which we’ve gone over) eliminating lowering the head and hitting with the crown of the helmet by every player on the field.

Magnanimous in theory, hopeless in enforcement. Tackle football can’t be played this way.

“It’s a joke,” Gary Plummer, the former Chargers and 49ers linebacker, told Clark Judge of the Talk of Fame Sports Network. “It’s impossible to legislate in the front seven. You’re talking about offensive linemen, defensive linemen, tight ends, fullbacks and linebackers.

“It will never happen. It will change the entire complexion of the game.”

I agree they can’t play football by this rule (if actually enforced). But eliminating the kickoff would change the complexion of the game. It is doable. It’s definitely being discussed. It could happen, and knowing these fools, it probably will.

The kickoff return is one of the most exciting moments in football. And there is nothing more devastating or demoralizing than a return for a touchdown after a score.

There are head injuries in boxing/MMA/whatever. Nobody talks about doing away with those sports, in which heads constantly are hunted.

It’s impossible to remove all the violence from football. It’s a violent game. There always will be injuries. Always.

Might as well do away with it rather than play it with velvet gloves. …

I’ve never understood why, when a fielder (in this case, center fielder Franchy Cordero) blows a very catchable fly ball (99 percent probability, according to new-fangled stats), it’s not an error. Franchy erred. …

If Andy Green planned to pull Tyson Ross after eight innings — no-hitter or not — he was going to be making an enormous mistake. A Preston Gomez, lifelong-haunting mistake. …

Pitch counts. Pfui. Once, in the Giants’ 1-0, 16-inning win over the Braves, Juan Marichal threw 224. …

Why can’t the Padres work out their lower-back kinks in spring training? ...

How can there be an exit velocity on a baseball that doesn’t exit? …

Check out MLB’s putrid overall batting average. Cold weather? Cancellations? I blame the shift. And I believe I’m right. …

Reds fire manager Bryan Price. Too soon? Padres fired Alvin Dark during spring training. …

The Judases will play 15 road games and one at home — vs. the Titans in London. …

Fewer than half of the wide receivers taken in the first round since 2000 have had 1,000-yard seasons. …

Vegas is a finalist for either the 2019 or 2020 NFL Draft. Plenty of time to build a new arena to house it. …

The Galaxy’s hilarious Zlatan Ibrahimovic, when asked by Dan Patrick which celebrity he’d like to meet: “Nobody. They want to meet me.” The new Juli Veee. …

Despite the talk, Usain Bolt probably won’t make it in MLS because he’s never flopped in his athletic life. ...

Traveling? OK. Carrying the ball over? Fine. Ten seconds in the key? Great. Now the player with the ball initiating contact to get a foul call has become an NBA epidemic. This isn’t basketball. It’s sinful. …

Unsocial media. LeBron gets a triple-double in a playoff game and people Tweet he’s finished. ...

Coach K loses all five starters to the NBA. …

Born to be a point guard. Kentucky has an incoming freshman PG named Immanuel Quickley. …

Oscar Foster, one of our greatest prep basketball entertainers, RIP. …

Hal Greer, a member of the Sixers’ Greatest Starting Six, RIP. ...

According to The New York Times, 41 percent of Americans and 66 percent of millennials have no idea what Auschwitz was. We ain’t great yet. …

Pot-Kettle Dept: Floyd Mayweather on the Conor McGregor incident: “Outside the ring, you have to carry yourself as a gentleman.” This, from a wonderful person who has admitted guilt of domestic violence charges and spent two months in jail for one of them. ...

A study shows that a friend who is meanest to you cares for you the most. Fortunately, I don’t have to figure out which one. …

Alfred Hitchcock never won an Oscar. Kobe Bryant has. ...

If the FBI hasn’t raided your office, do you feel unimportant? …

I am a fan of Mike Greenberg. If I lived in Scotland, his new “Get Up!” would not be lifting my kilts. Sample portion is minuscule, but I’ve tasted it and will try something else. …

Stink O’ The Week Sezment: Complaints over Patrick Reed sporting his Masters sport coat everywhere. If I won a green jacket, I’d wear it while bathing. …

Thinking: Since its first word was written in a hurry, journalism has not taken a day off.

sezme.godfather@gmail.com; Twitter: @sdutCanepa

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